so I actually achieved the I want to date someone this year part of my new years resolutions and while he's great and brilliant and I think he's a great friend, I don't want to date him. And it's... annoying, and not at all how I thought it would be, and I don't even have the words to explain the energy this and everything else is sucking from me. I have very little creative energy and I don't know what to do.
I'm still alive. and the crazy thing is I don't even know how. i'm still alive. I'm completely and utterly insane and mad. I wanted to kill myself. but I didn't. I didn't and I'm still alive and I hate intrusive thoughts.
and honestly. I don't know anymore. I just don't know. my new year's resolution is to date one person this year but the asexual part of me hates that idea and I couldn't agree more. I just want to sleep. and continue sleeping. and live in a world of daydreams for eternity. but I can't. it is not the real world. it can't be for me. I hate who I am. I want to love myself. I don't think there is anything lovable about me.
Fuck my life
I want to kill myself.
A while ago someone asked me if I had any vices. I said no, not really, other than wasting my time away on youtube. Now though, I know the answer. I hurt myself. I hate it but I don't know how to stop. I know I'm going to have to stop at some point in the future, because I can't keep doing this and I have to find healthy coping mechanisms, but I don't know how. And part of me doesn't want to. I deserve this pain. I'm a terrible flaky human being who fucks up on everything and honest to gods I should just kill myself but I'm still alive. For some fucking reason.
I don't know. I really don't know. I guess I still want to be alive and stuff by the end of the year. I want to be at university. I've been rejected enough that I don't even care by this point, I just want to go somewhere and get my student loan. Or maybe if I get rejected by my last top choice I should just take this as the sign it is and just give up going to university and get a second job and just work. Because fuck me and fml. I hate myself.
I want to learn how to drive. I want to be alive. By the end of the year I really want to go back to wanting to actually live because right now I'm just not dead. I'm not actually living, and I want to go back to wanting to be alive and actually looking forward to things and not dreading everything. I want to get a second job. I want to not hate myself, but I don't know whether that's going to happen or not.
I want to publish more fanfiction. I want to actually talk to my friends, and meet up with them more. I kinda want to meet someone and date them, but I don't really know how to do that. What the fuck is flirting? What the fuck is meeting people with the view of dating them? I'm not fucking mentally stable enough to get into a relationship at the minute though, and I don't know how long it's going to be until I fucking am. I want to have greatly reduced my OCD again.
I don't know. I just want to want. And not self-harm.